Monday, January 24, 2011

Chi Town

An Appellate Court decided that Rahm Emanuel cannot run for Mayor in Chicago because he does not meet the residency requirements.  However, under Chicago law, if he dies before election day, he still will be able to vote as many times as he wants from beyond the grave. 

He's Not There To Help

I'm so naive.  I thought this guy Baby Doc returned to Haiti because they needed pediatricians.....

He Never Took Care Of Himself

Jack LaLanne died yesterday.  He was 96.  He is the only guy who if you found him dead at the bottom of a swimming pool with cinder blocks tied to his legs, you would never think it was suicide.  Just a workout gone wrong. 

In his honor, today all stair masters and elliptical machines will be set at half speed.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

When Jim Met Joe

If there is a more useless job in America than the NFL sideline reporter, please let me know.  They add nothing to the broadcast; no keen insights, no interesting tidbits, nothing.  When I came across the highlight above, it reminded me of the last time something memorable came out of the the sideline announcer's pie hole.

The play above is an 1986 NFC playoff game between the Giants-49ers.  Jim Burt comes up to middle to destroy Joe Montana.  If you hit a quarterback like that today, the police would cuff you and take you away before the next snap. The play was right before the half and Montana looked dead, like he got hit by a truck. So by the looks of it, you would think there was no way Montana could come back in the second half.  But you have to remember: this was Joe Fuckin Montana.  He was already a legend who could strike fear into everybody's heart.

So during halftime there was only one question:  Is Montana going to play?  Do you believe what your eyes told you, (that Montana was hit so hard, he thought his last name was North Dakota) or do you believe in the Montana legend, whereby he would shake off the injury and start throwing bombs to Jerry Rice?

So we waited for the report from the sideline reporter, Irv Cross.  CBS stationed Cross right outside the 49er locker room, where he announced to the nation:

The report on Montana is that EVERYTHING hurts, and he will not be back.

And that was the last time the sideline reporter ever said anything memorable.       

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

He's On The Way.....

They were going to have a traditional state dinner at the White House honoring the Chinese president.  But to show how culturally sensitive the Obama White House is, they changed the starting time to 3pm and called it a lunch special.

She Loves It

With the Chinese President visiting the White House, Michelle Obama announced for the first time in her adult lifetime, she is proud of her country.....

They Won't Run It

A little Stoop preview of the Jet-Steelers AFC Championship game: The Steelers have taken the trap play out of the playbook. Every time the play came in from the sideline, it would confuse Roethlisberger; he thought it meant that his offensive linemen would guard the bathroom door while he took advantage of a passed out co-ed.  To avoid a  potential delay of game while Genital Ben figured out the play, they decided to just not run it.

Two Guys

I love this picture of these two men.  One guy is the most powerful Communist in the world.  And the other guy is the President of China.  

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Worst

The Jets ass- beating of the Patriots made me realize something: that I don't mind Jet fans so much.  Not when compared to Yankee fans, with their insufferable arrogance that pours out of them like a fat man with flop sweat.  It made me think of what would be the profile of the most insufferable person in the world.

He would have to be a Yankee fan and a Cowboy fan that lives in New York or San Francisco.  He has an Obama "Yes We Can" button or t-shirt.  He goes to coffee houses with his laptop and sits there looking self important.  He's never been to Alaska, but he will lecture you on how important it is to not drill for oil there.  He hates Walmart.  He was more mad at Mark Furhman than OJ Simpson.  He thinks Jon Stewart is funnier than Richard Pryor.  He would never send his kid to a zoned public school in urban America, but will pontificate on how strongly he feels about his commitment to public education.  His solution to every problem is the government needs to spend more money.  He thinks he's hip because he "gets" Rachel Madow.  He thinks that Clarence Thomas is dumb, and Sonia Sotomayor is brilliant.  He has an NPR tote bag that he brings to the coffee house.  He loves the Indigo Girls.  He tries extra hard when he pronounces a Spanish word like "HO-SAY."  When referring to the racial racketeer, he always calls him "Reverend Sharpton."  He attends tennis matches, and will tell you how great David Dinkins is because of the U.S. Open.  He watches Saturday Night Live.  He hates talk radio.  He uses the word "misogynist".  At some point, he has owned a Che Guvera poster. He is rabid in his hatred for Sarah Palin.  He has attended a John Lennon Memorial Service outside the Dakota, hoping that Yoko would wave from the window.  He pretends that he reads Cornel West.  He has a West Indian nanny that raises his kid, and pays her poorly. He thinks our border should be open, and that Borders bookstore should close because it hurts independent book sellers.  He thinks southern whites and northern Italians are racists.  He is anti-religion, but wants a mosque near Ground Zero.  He thinks that Mel Gibson should be jailed, and Roman Polanski should remain free.  He adores Fidel Castro.  He wanted the Duke lacrosse players jailed, regardless of the evidence.  He talks of "root causes."  When it comes to racial issues, he always advises, "We have made some progress, but we have so much more to go."  He has either built houses for Habitat For Humanity or post-Katrina New Orleans.  And has the pictures to prove it.  He thinks the Carter presidency is misunderstood.  He likes the golden voice crack head Ted Williams more than the war hero Ted Williams.  He never watches an Army-Navy football game.  He lectures on how great the World Cup is.  He thinks that all corporations are evil, and all Catholic priests are child molesters.  He really believes that Derek Jeter calls his old manager "Mr. Torre."  He has more contempt for Haliburton than Bin Laden.  He believes that reading the New York Times is a sign of intelligence and argues that looking at kiddie porn is protected by the first amendment. He loves teachable moments.  He is overly concerned with what the rest of the world thinks.  He raves about the Cuban health care system.  He loves Michael Moore and never misses Bill Maher's television show.  He thinks Obama's problem is that he hasn't delivered his message effectively enough.  He thinks everyone who makes more money than him should pay more taxes.  He goes through the motions and begrudgingly stands for the National Anthem.....  

I'm sure I missed a lot, but that's what I have so far.....                              

Monday, January 17, 2011

Good Work By Joe

Today is the 69th birthday of somebody known throughout the world.  An ardent supporter of segregation, he attended Klan meetings.  He believed that certain people were wicked-because of their race.  That these  same people came to be because of an experiment gone wrong by an evil scientist.  To top it off, he was a race baiter of the worst kind, and when it came time to serve his country in a time of war, he dodged the draft.  Yes, it is Muhammad Ali's birthday.  On this day it's always nice to remember Joe Frazier's quote, "Look at him now and look at me, and tell me who won all three fights."

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Yes We Can! (Turn A Funeral Into A Political Rally)

When you think the filthy left could not be more unhinged from reality, they do things to make you think again. What a disgrace that was at the memorial service in Tucson.  Handing out t -shirts at a funeral?  People were murdered and they make it an Obama pep rally?  And don't buy for a second that Obama did not endorse passing out of the t shirts.  This man's every public appearance is more scripted and orchestrated than a Scorsese movie.  He literally can't speak to a kindergarten class without help from his Teleprompter.  So of course he was down with it.  I'm surprised they did not have idiots shooting the t- shirts into the crowd like they do at Knick games.  Maybe they didn't do that because  in their twisted mind, they think it would promote gun use.  How unserious are these people? After the cheers and t- shirts, I was expecting the Black Eyed Peas or Dave Mathews  to come out from behind the stage and start singing-at a funeral.  Because young people can really relate to the president.

So they pin a mass murder on Sarah Palin, and then they celebrate at the funeral by handing out Obama t- shirts.

Do me a favor: when I die, don't hand out any t -shirts; even if the President of the United States of America shows up.

Monday, January 10, 2011

The Despicable Left

Here's a partial list of some of the incidents the left has tried to pin on conservatives. The Columbine shooters. The 1995 Oklahoma City bombing (specifically they tried to blame me for that). The DC sniper. The New York City Times Square car bomb attempt. They tried to blame that on some Tea Partier angry at the health law, then we find out that was radical Islamists. The February 2010 IRS plane attack in San Antonio. Remember that? It had to be an anti-government clown that flew that plane into the IRS office, had to be. The Pentagon subway shooter. The Fort Hood attack. The Discovery Channel hostage taker. And this guy [John Patrick] Bedell who went into the Pentagon and wanted to shoot these people up. This guy, by the way, is a dead ringer for Loughner. -Rush Limbaugh

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Great Moments in Sports Broadcasting

Off the Mark Sanchez was overthrowing everyone last night, which caused Chris Collinsworth to observe, "Mark Sanchez has been high all night."

That was topped by Troy Aikman during a rainy game a few weeks ago when he stated, "The NFL has new rules that allows you to keep your balls warm."

The best one ever was by the great Bob Murphy, who during a  Met game said , "Bob Aspromonte's parents are here, and they're high and outside.'''

Thursday, January 6, 2011

NFL Playoff Predictions

I have crunched all the numbers, and watched all the film.  I have reviewed the injury reports, and taken into account weather predictions.  I have analyzed the coaching philosophies, and reviewed the playoff histories.  And after all that, I have one rock- solid can't miss playoff prediction:

There are more videos of Rex Ryan's wife that will come out.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Keep Him Caged

Remember the FALN?  They are the Puerto Rican terrorist group that killed and maimed many Americans in the 1970's and 80's.  You may remember them from the disgraceful pardons given to many of them by Bill Clinton on his last day in office.  Why did he do it?  His wifey was running for Senate and they wanted the Puerto Rican vote.  And who signed off on these disgraceful pardons from the DOJ? Eric Holder.  History will condemn both acts.

Anyway the FALN mastermind and co-founder Oscar Lopez is up for parole tomorrow.  He is the animal that killed Frank O'Connor with an FALN planted in a bar in lower Manhattan.

Listen to Frank's son Joe on Dennis Miller, and find out what you can do to keep this animal in a cage: 

Monday, January 3, 2011

Highlight Film

Now that the football season is finished, the Jets are rushing their 2010 season DVD out to the public.  It was a great year: they made the playoffs with an 11-5 record; they beat top teams like New England and Pittsburgh; and developed Mark Sanchez into a top young quarterback.  The title of the Jets 2010 DVD  is "Shaving Mrs. Ryan's Privates".  

Available at all video stores now.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

My Wish For 2011......

The Dumb, Talking About The Blind

Monkey-boy Governor Andrew Cuomo in his inaugural address praised former Governor David Paterson:

He became captain of the ship just when the ship was heading into a storm and he warned us about the storm and he brought us through the storm,”

Memo to Cuomo's speech writers: When you want to praise a blind man, perhaps it's a good idea to avoid metaphors that rely on eyesight, the captain of the ship, etc.  You might as well have said, "Patterson was a true visionary, who did not turn a blind -eye to corruption."