The Worst

The Jets ass- beating of the Patriots made me realize something: that I don't mind Jet fans so much.  Not when compared to Yankee fans, with their insufferable arrogance that pours out of them like a fat man with flop sweat.  It made me think of what would be the profile of the most insufferable person in the world.

He would have to be a Yankee fan and a Cowboy fan that lives in New York or San Francisco.  He has an Obama "Yes We Can" button or t-shirt.  He goes to coffee houses with his laptop and sits there looking self important.  He's never been to Alaska, but he will lecture you on how important it is to not drill for oil there.  He hates Walmart.  He was more mad at Mark Furhman than OJ Simpson.  He thinks Jon Stewart is funnier than Richard Pryor.  He would never send his kid to a zoned public school in urban America, but will pontificate on how strongly he feels about his commitment to public education.  His solution to every problem is the government needs to spend more money.  He thinks he's hip because he "gets" Rachel Madow.  He thinks that Clarence Thomas is dumb, and Sonia Sotomayor is brilliant.  He has an NPR tote bag that he brings to the coffee house.  He loves the Indigo Girls.  He tries extra hard when he pronounces a Spanish word like "HO-SAY."  When referring to the racial racketeer, he always calls him "Reverend Sharpton."  He attends tennis matches, and will tell you how great David Dinkins is because of the U.S. Open.  He watches Saturday Night Live.  He hates talk radio.  He uses the word "misogynist".  At some point, he has owned a Che Guvera poster. He is rabid in his hatred for Sarah Palin.  He has attended a John Lennon Memorial Service outside the Dakota, hoping that Yoko would wave from the window.  He pretends that he reads Cornel West.  He has a West Indian nanny that raises his kid, and pays her poorly. He thinks our border should be open, and that Borders bookstore should close because it hurts independent book sellers.  He thinks southern whites and northern Italians are racists.  He is anti-religion, but wants a mosque near Ground Zero.  He thinks that Mel Gibson should be jailed, and Roman Polanski should remain free.  He adores Fidel Castro.  He wanted the Duke lacrosse players jailed, regardless of the evidence.  He talks of "root causes."  When it comes to racial issues, he always advises, "We have made some progress, but we have so much more to go."  He has either built houses for Habitat For Humanity or post-Katrina New Orleans.  And has the pictures to prove it.  He thinks the Carter presidency is misunderstood.  He likes the golden voice crack head Ted Williams more than the war hero Ted Williams.  He never watches an Army-Navy football game.  He lectures on how great the World Cup is.  He thinks that all corporations are evil, and all Catholic priests are child molesters.  He really believes that Derek Jeter calls his old manager "Mr. Torre."  He has more contempt for Haliburton than Bin Laden.  He believes that reading the New York Times is a sign of intelligence and argues that looking at kiddie porn is protected by the first amendment. He loves teachable moments.  He is overly concerned with what the rest of the world thinks.  He raves about the Cuban health care system.  He loves Michael Moore and never misses Bill Maher's television show.  He thinks Obama's problem is that he hasn't delivered his message effectively enough.  He thinks everyone who makes more money than him should pay more taxes.  He goes through the motions and begrudgingly stands for the National Anthem.....  

I'm sure I missed a lot, but that's what I have so far.....