Wednesday, July 29, 2009

No One Can Ever Question This

(This was written on the greatest day in the history of the world: February 5, 2008- the day the NY Giants had their Super Bowl victory parade on lower Broadway.)

In the Mount Rushmore of sports teams, these Giants are at the top. To do what they have done, what no one else has done, was so incredible that Nick Buoniconti's son jumped out of his wheelchair and started dancing.

The pure joy I feel as a Giant fan is unmatched by any previous experience as a fan. If you take Willis coming out of the tunnel, combine it with Buckner and the city of Brooklyn going nuts on October 4, 1955, you are beginning to scratch the surface.

What a goddamn run this team has had! Remember that scene in the Godfather where Michael says " Today, we took care of all family business"? That's what the Giants did over the past 5 weeks. Jeff Garcia, you little prick, you beat us twice in the playoffs, with two different teams, including the most humiliating loss in team history against the 49er's in the 2002 playoffs. We went into Tampa, who had the #1 ranked defense in the NFL and took care of family business.

Onward to Dallas, the city that killed an American President, and also hung two double-digit losses on us this year. Four eleven quarters we could not get near Romo, but in the 12th Quarter, the MOTHER FUCKIN LEVEE DID BREAK. We hit him, rattled him dazed and confused the pretty boy. He started yelling at his lineman, taking bad sacks, and intentionally grounding the ball. Plus, who can forget Eli's drive right before the half to tie it up? By the way, as long as you live, get used to hearing the phrase "ELI's Drive" It will come up anytime someone is attempting something great that seems impossible, with all odds against him. You can use it yourself as well. So we went to Dallas, and took care of family business, by taking down the # 1 seed, in their house. Oh, by the way, Dallas just happens to be the team that Giant fans hate the most. As Jackie Gleason would say: "HOW SWEET IT IS!" By the way, I heard Jessica Simpson sucked off the whole Giant defensive line after the game, including little used William Joseph.

The taking care of family business tour next took us to Green Bay, who rocked us 35-13 in September. We were told you can't go into Lambeau in January and expect to win. We were told that Favre is unbeatable at home in the playoffs. We were told that our QB is a warm weathered QB, and could not compete in the frozed tundra. We were told a boatload of bullshit! The Giant Defense turned Favre into a frozen old fuck, unable to cope with a G-MEN onslaught. And Eli outplayed him. By the way, get used to hearing that phrase: "Eli outplayed ___" and you can fill in that blank with the hall of famer of your choice. We took care of family business in Green Bay, and turned the cheese heads into dickheads with frostbite.

Onward to the Superbowl. Could you imagine a more unbeatable opponent? An undefeated team? Most touchdowns thrown in NFL history? Most points scorned in NFL history? Think of every great team you have seen, and the PATS were better. They had a perfect resume: Unbeaten, untied, a QB who broke all records, a genius coach, three titles under their belt. A fuckin video game could not imagine a better team. Not to mention that they already beat us.

Here's where the taking care of family business tour links up with a quote from Raging Bull: "He Ain't Pretty No More" (Jake La Motta describing an opponent he knocked out that his wife found good looking.)

The Golden Boy Brady ain't pretty no more. He shit the bed, in an onslaught that put him on his back more often than a Times Square whore. The Giant's front seven acted like Michael Vick's pit bulls and Brady had pork chops tied to each limb. It was like Brady was a pedestrian walking down the street, and got hit by a car driven by a drunken Jim Leyritz.

And it wasn't just the Defense. Our whole team made this happen. The O line. Feagles. 7th round draft choices Boss & Bradshaw. Stevie Smith and local boy Tyree.

Speaking of Tyree, I have watched THE CATCH more times than the Warren Commission watched the Zapruder Film. IT GETS BETTER EACH TIME. Tyree invoked his inner Lebron to get as high as he can. He has the dirtiest player in the NFL, a man whose body is filled with steroids and human growth hormone, whacking at his head, arms and shoulders to knock the ball free. And Tyree is able to hold the ball against his head until he cradles it in his hands! With under a minute to go! In the Superbowl against an undefeated opponent! With your team down by four! After Eli pulled a Houdini to break free! If Stephen King wrote the last 5 sentences, his editor would reject it, saying no one would believe it. But it's true.

This Giant team is forever. Eli, Coughlin, Tuck, Osi, Strahan, Amani and everybody are forever's team.

Now let's have a parade!

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