To the friends of Baldman:
Taking a cue from my fearless leader, Derek Jeter, I want you all to know that should you die before me, I will not attend your funeral. In fact, I am so self absorbed, I will not even realize that your funeral took place. However since there are many ways to honor people, I ask that each of you tape record your voice saying my name: "Alex Baldman". Send the tape to the Stoop. When you die, I will use your voice from the grave on my voicemail. I do that because it is all about you.