It was five years ago yesterday. The day before Thanksgiving. They say its the biggest commuting day of the year, and by the looks of the enormous crowd at Grand Central Station that early morning, you wouldn't get an argument from me.
I was on my way to work in Westchester, in the reverse commute from hell: Brooklyn to White Plains.
I went to buy the newspapers and my train ticket fell to the ground. While bending down to pick the ticket up, I heard the unmistakable sound that could mean only one thing: the back of my pants ripped.
Not only did it rip, but it ripped in such a unique way that it looked like I was purposely wearing pants with the ass cut out-like the ass-less pants Prince wore in a video.
I learned that when your pants rip to make your ass hang out on the biggest travel day of the year in the biggest train station in the world- it makes a man immediately consider all available options. It concentrates the mind.
Could I tie my jacket around my waist to hide it? No. Because Baldman has a rule that he does not wear coats/jackets unless it is below freezing. It was about 40 degrees. Please note that Baldman is the only one who follows this rule. So on this day, he was the only one in Grand Central with no jacket and no ass within the pants.
Could I go buy a new pair of pants? No. It was too early in the morning, stores were not open, and I was not about to walk around the city with my ass flappin in the wind.
The only option that made sense was to call it a day and just go home.
But even that had its perils.
It was still rush hour, and who the f **k wants to get on a packed train with ass-less pants?
So the plan was hatched : get on the 4 train, stand with my ass-less pants ass against the door, and get to Brooklyn ASAP.
For the diversity lover in you:
1) I was the only white person on that 4 train;
2) I was the only person with his ass exposed on that 4 train.
Now my plan to stay standing against the door worked until we got to a stop where a ton of people got on, and the mass of humanity shoved me to the middle of the car.
So I had to steel myself for the inevitable: laughter, cat calls etc.
I was ready. Now, I had long been a proponent that the best defense is an offense.
And it worked on that day like a charm.
Right in the middle of that subway car, a man said to me: " You know, your pants are ripped, right?"
I immediately fired back at the guy:
"Two things. One, you think I don't know that? And two, WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU DOING LOOKING AT MY ASS!"
All of a sudden, the guy looked more embarrassed than me, by accusing him of staring at my ass-less pants in front of a packed rush hour train, it brought him more shame than he could possibly bear.
So he slinked away and melted back into the crowd.
And I made it home and threw the ass-less pants in the garbage.