Saturday, August 8, 2009

I'm Offering Amnesty

(Plexi was indicted last week, so this is a good time to publish this one. In 2008, the Giants were on a tremendous roll-until Plexi shot himself and killed the Giants season. During that run, I sent this email out to friends who were not Giant fans.)

People get Ready
There's a train a-comin
You Don't need no ticket
you just get on board. -Curtis Mayfield

You know who your are. You know in your heart you made the wrong decision as a child, and you are still paying for it.

You were born in Brooklyn. Started rooting for sports teams in the 1970's. (Or in T Crow's case, the 1950's.)

Sure, you were a Met or Yankee fan. Of course, you wanted the USA to win every Olympic medal.

But you made the shameful decision of not supporting the New York football teams.

You see, when you were a kid, the Giants and Jets were not very good. But, you had a low self esteem, or perhaps were unsure of your sexuality, and you masked these feelings by becoming a Cowboy Fan. Or a Steeler fan. Or a Raider fan. (I do not put T Crow in this group-he became a Steeler fan because he served with Rocky Bleier in Vietnam.)

Sure, you got your Franco Harris Jersey for Christmas. (Who you thought was Irish: Frank O'Harris until you saw him on TV and decided he looked like the black GI Joe doll.) You adored Roger Staubach, who clearly joined the Navy before the Don't Ask Don't Tell rules took effect.

But its been 30 years now. And you know there is nothing like a fan connection to a home-town team.

Isn't it a shame that you could not experience the pure joy that your friends did when the 2007 Giants pulled off miracle after miracle?

Isn't it too bad that you viewed Manning to Tyree like it was Brent Favre to Donald Driver?

Here's a chance for you to undue your dubious childhood decision.

Why would you want to? Look at these Giants. They are a sports fans dream. (With the exception of Plexi.)

They play hard. They play smart. They are disciplined. Won't embarrass you in a PacMan Jones type of way. And they dominate. They are everything a fan would want, and they are your home- town team.

This weekend, they are going to destroy the Cowboys. Even though the game is at the Meadowlands, the Giants are about to pull out their collective c**k, and piss all over the midfield Star. You know how some soldiers try to get out of combat by shooting themselves in the foot? Tony Romo is sitting this one out with a pinky (a pinky!) injury.

Here is the Amnesty Offer: By the power vested in me due to the fact that I have sat in front of my TV for 35 years with a helmet and shoulder pads watching every Giant game, all you have to do is email me and say "I am a Giant fan" and you will receive amnesty.

What does Amnesty get you? Like someone who committed a juvenile crime, your past record of being a Cowboy fan is sealed. It's like it never happened. It's like you were a Giant fan your whole life. No questions will be asked.

However, there is a deadline that is coming up. It is 4:15 on Sunday, when we kickoff and begin the Abu Ghraib- like torture of the Cowboys.

The deadline is real, and the Amnesty offer will not come around again. Trust me, it is not like those "Toys for Guns" programs that come around again and again. This is a one-time deal.

I urge you to accept the Amnesty Offer. Please don't go to your grave with the following epitaph: "Lived his whole 80 years in Brooklyn, and was life-long Dallas Cowboy fan."

Please. If you go to your grave like that, people will wonder about you, like they wondered about Tony Randall when he started having kids at 80.

So the life boat has been lowered, and you are invited to come on board. What are you going to do?

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