Friday, August 7, 2009

An Old Man Shall Lead Us

(Written during the end of the 2008 Presidential Campaign, when it was obvious that McCain needed Pennsylvania to have any chance to win the election)

Senor, senor, do you know where we're headin'?
Lincoln County Road or Armageddon?- Bob Dylan

I have seen all the maps. All the data. At this point, I know more about the electoral college than my own college. And what that data is telling me is not good news for the Old Man.

What it says is that McCain has one play: Unless he wins Pennsylvania, McCain will be more jammed up than a constipated participant in the Nathan's 4th of July hot dog eating contest.

Problem: the Poles,as well as the Irish and Italians, all say that McCain is behind in Pennsylvania.

What's a war hero to do? What you do is you call in the most popular man in Pennsylvania since Ben Franklin. This man has been approached by both political parties over the last 30 years to run for governor in Pennsylvania. Please run they said. He would have won by a landslide, no matter what party he ran with, no matter how many ACORN workers stuffed the ballot box against him, no matter what year he ran.

I'm talking about Joe Paterno. He is literally a God in Pennsylvania. Worshiped and adored from the steel mills to the suburbs. Plus, it does not hurt that his team is a powerhouse again.

Somehow, I think the 82 year old Brooklyn born Joe PA has more in common with the 72 year old Senator from Arizona than the 47 year old Democratic nominee who was born in..... actually, we really don't know where he was born because he has not produced a birth certificate. That constitutional requirement that to run for President you have to be born on U.S. soil? Please. The Constitution is a living document. Kenya, America, what's the difference?

Think about it: If your kid plays Knute Rockne Pee Wee football, you have to produce a birth certificate in order to allow him to play. To be President of the United States, all of a sudden you don't have to. The standards in Barack-America, are less for the Presidency than for Pee Wee football.

Back to the matter at hand.

The Old Man needs the Older Man's endorsement. Let Paterno introduce him all over Western PA. Lets have a big rally at the football stadium in University Park. I want to see both men rolling around on the ground with a Nittany Lion licking their faces. How's that for a photo op.

McCain can give a speech on how under Obama's health plan, Joe PA's glasses won't be covered. Speaking of Joe PA's glasses, has anyone ever had thicker lenses? Joe PA's glasses are thicker than the bullet proof glass in a 24 hour bodega on Malcolm X Boulevard.

Joe PA can't produce all miracles though. We still would concede Philly to Obama, even Joe PA can't turn water into wine. (Although Philly's own Joe Frazier would be one man who wouldn't vote for Obama just because he is black. Remember, Joe was able to resist the intense racial pressure put on him when he stood his ground and said that Ali should not have ducked his military induction. Joe is a stand-up American, and one of my favorite men ever. I love Joe's response when people point out to him that Ali won 2 out of there 3 fights. "Look at him now, and look at me now. Now tell me who won all three fights?")

A couple of years ago, Joe Frazier was in a car accident and underwent 4 surgeries on his neck and back. The word was that Larry Holmes helped pay for the surgeries. The New York Times asked Holmes about this, and here is what he said:

Joe Frazier is my friend, and what I choose to do for my friends is my own business,” he said. “If I do anything for a friend, it is not done for the purpose of making myself look good and getting my name in the paper. But know this about my friendship with Joe: If I had $4 left in my wallet, two of those would go to Joe.”

I always loved that quote by Larry Holmes.

So Joe PA is the Old Man's Flutie to Phelan. If it does not work, we will soon be eligible to join the European Union.

No comments: